afterthesmoke:

we’re losing like a muhfucka. we need 300 comments by midnight tonight to get back into the running and beat these other bands. click the link below and comment bitch http://bit.ly/H5PWct <3 

DOOO IIITT. Drop a comment. You won’t regret it.

Can’t sleep. Going to study later. Going to write now.

—————

Sophomore year has been pretty great so far. Granted, I have some qualms with the social scene at my school and how that affects my own social life, but for the most part, it’s been decent. Mostly because I’m developing into the woman that I’ll be in the future.

Damn, that sounded so high-school-health-class.

Anyway, I’m in this weird stage in which all my childhood tastes are fading, and my adult tastes are forming, and I’m just constantly frustrated. The biggest cause of frustration: my appearance.

At first, I thought it was a weight thing (as young females are wont to believe). But—and not to sound like a complete narcissist—my body is looking pretty damn good. It’s not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but my curves are the SHIT right now.

But whenever I get dressed in the morning, I keep getting annoyed because I feel like my appearance doesn’t reflect my personality, it doesn’t show off my figure, and it really doesn’t represent my style. At all.

And so I’ve decided that I need a major closet overhaul. This is what that entails:

1. Most of my clothes either A) no longer fit me properly since I’ve lost weight/gained tone/changed aesthetic tastes/etc., or B) no longer suit my personality. For example, I’ve got a rotation of 3-4 pairs of jeans that I wear, but I hate the way they all fit on me. Also, I was really into graphic tees last year (I probably spent of $200 on them last year. Really). I don’t dig them anymore. I feel like other people can pull them off, but whenever I wear them, I feel 10 years old.
2. Also, I fucking love sneakers. Like, really really. But the sneaks I own don’t go well with any of the  crap jeans I have, and it’s JUST now starting to annoy me. Also, my shoes can be a bit obnoxious sometimes (at least I’m man enough to admit it).
3. What I’m doing now (and will still be doing for quite a bit): getting rid of all the clothes that fall into these two categories. IT’S SO HARD. Most of the clothes I bought last year, and some of them I haven’t even worn yet. The idea of just getting rid of something I’ve yet to experience killed me at first, but it’s getting easier.
4. My current taste is definitely simpler. Less standout, trendy pieces; more basics. I’ve been rocking button-downs lately (ALL of the shirts I brought home for spring break are collared), and I’m trying to wear more neutral colors because I will put on 5 neon pieces of clothing at once. Like a mofo.
5. What I will be doing in the future: I’m trying to buy ONLY classics. Clothes that I won’t be tired (or embarrassed) of a year from now. Also, I’m only getting clothes that fit AND flatter, not just fit. I think it’s just because I was so style-less in high school that I’m inclined to just wear baggy shit. I’m more refined than I give myself credit for.
6. As far as shoes- no more flip-flops (I’m going to miss you Old Navy) or aggressive sneakers. I need more flats, boots, heels, and muted colors.

Here’s the thing that really sucks: everything I like now is kind of expensive (and I think that goes for most people in college). I went shopping two days ago with some high schools friends at H&M. One of my friends really wanted this dress, but couldn’t fathom the idea of paying $30. Eventually, we convinced her that it was really versatile and could be worn on soon-to-come internship interviews. My reasoning: “As we get older, our tastes mature a bit, and so our clothes are just more costly.”

I was trying to ease my friend’s worries, but it was definitely more for me than for her, because I was simultaneously holding this amazing shirt in my hand, but was internally cringing at the thought of paying $18 for it. 

I also added, “It just sucks that we have college student budgets.” AIN’T THAT THE FUCKING TRUTH. I don’t have a ton money in my checking account, and I’m trying to prepare for post college, so I don’t want to go into my not-that-impressive savings. I’m banking on the end of the summer—those few weeks between my working 40 hours/week and the start of the fall semester—to actually get some serious shopping done.

And so my wardrobe isn’t going to change for a while. I’ll still be wearing clothes that frustrate me to no frigging end. In the meantime, I’ll be picking up little pieces here and there (whenever I can afford them) to keep me sane.

—————

With all that said, you should stop by my dorm room, or the free box on my floor, for loot. There will be LOTS of it come next week.

My college pisses me off sometimes. It makes me want to break things.

And so I threw my water bottle at a window, knowing it would break. And it broke.

At first, it was cathartic. Then I was sad: I actually really liked that water bottle. But now, after crying about the whole issue for a wasted half-an-hour, I feel better. Because now, I know why my college pisses me off so much.

I won’t get into it here, but it’s essentially the same reason I hated high school so much. Just now, it’s with different people. Different types of people.

The solution- just the way I solved things in high school:

• Remember that I only have to deal with these people for four years.
• Remember that this school is nothing more than a mere stepping stone.
• Remember and rejoice in the fact that, except for class reunions that are optional, I’ll never have to see these people again after graduation.

School sucks, generally. They all do. Private, public, high school, college- doesn’t matter. They all suck.

I expected more. I expected better. That’s I why chose a college that was completely unlike any of the schools I’ve ever attended. But I ended up with the same shitty results.That usually upsets me, but I think I’m okay with it now.

There are people who peak in high school. There are people who peak in college.

I REFUSE BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. Since I will not be one of those people, I refuse let those people get the best of me.

And I’m glad I’ve come to this conclusion/realization.

My water bottle was unfortunately the sacrificial lamb in this evening’s ordeal. I’ll just get a new one tomorrow.